The Bachelor Recap: Dendrophilia, Delis, and Heartbreak in Hometowns (2023)

It's time for hometowns, the point at allbachelorShit Gets Real Season: Families and feelings are now involved. The leadership and his last four wives were released frombachelorBladder. Difficult questions arise, usually from overprotective parents. And, of course, there is the precedent built over seasons and seasons of television that the protagonist's girlfriends will tell him that they have fallen in love with him.

But not this season. We're one episode away from Fantasy Suites, or as Zach describes it in next week's sneak peek, "the sexual encounter," and the closest we get to the L-word in Hometowns is "the idea" of the "affair." . "In love" is what Charity says to Zachstartfeel, and what Zach says to Kaity's mother, Anne, he could see in his daughter. That's itLevel 3 on the single declaration of love scale, just below "I'm in love with you", but still a long way from "I love you".

It's honestly refreshing to have come to this point in a very formulaic situation.bachelorSeason without having survived sweeping, unrealistic declarations of love and an entire episode of Hometowns without the bachelor asking a father for his marriage blessing. Instead, on each of the four hometown dates, from rural Vermont to New York City and from southern Georgia to Austin, Texas, it's like realizing there's a flaw in the premise of this show: that it's not simply The Bachelor, who chooses which lady is. marry, or at least which lady would you like to see in aPeopleSeries of magazine photos before they ended in six months. Ultimately, everyone seems to be acknowledging the truth: that these women, too, choose to stick with the bachelor.

Least Satisfying Edition: Zach and the Maple

From the moment Gabi forced Zach to take a sip of maple syrup upon exiting the limo in the season premiere, we could have predicted that maple syrup would be a highlight of their date in their hometown of Pittsford. , Vermont. In fact, this date is something of a New England fall fever dream: we see Zach and Gabi dressed in flannel, playing with yellow leaves that cover the forest floor, while Gabi promises to give Zach "a complete experience". . That means tapping a maple tree with a hand drill and trying to extract the raw sap. And this is where it gets, well, weird.

Doorbell Transmission Guide

There's a lot of television out there. We want to help: every week we tell you the best and most urgent shows to stream, so you don't miss out on Peak TV's ever-growing pile.

Gabi claims that playing on board was one of her favorite childhood activities, but it doesn't take much effort for the producers to turn the board game into a metaphor for playing... something else. Unsurprisingly, Bachelor's editors bring in the soundtrack of some '70s porn as Zach and Gabi exchange innuendos, and then the camera zooms in on a scene that can only be described as Zach's finger poking into the hole of a tree.

"Is it sticky in there?" Gabi asks.

“Sounds a little hot,” Zach responds.

Finally, Zach and Gabi realize they haven't drilled deep enough and can't finish extracting the tail. Hopefully not a metaphor either.

Major Gastrointestinal Trauma: Zach and Ariel's New York Date

Ariel introduces Zach to her parents, brother and sister-in-law during a date in her hometown. But before we get there (and we will in a minute), she tells Zach he has another family member she needs to see: New York City. And by New York City, he really means New York cuisine. Your date of the day, starting in Washington Square Park, is a gastrointestinal adventure. First, they visit a pizzeria for a giant slice of pepperoni pizza ("Oh my God, carbs are so good," says Zach) and then a traditional Jewish deli for sandwiches: pastrami for Ariel and beef tongue for Zach (" I'm a Tongue fan," he says, proving he hasn't left the sexual innuendo in Vermont) and filleted fish. (Side note, but when choosing which deli to take Zach to, why didn't Ariel choose Katz's?When Harry Met Sallypleasure! Zach could have said, "I'll take what you got!"). Eventually, Ariel takes Zach to a coffee shop, which is not a coffee shop, but the secret door of a pub, where they serve espresso martinis.

We've all tried a New York City food tour at some point... and we've all bitterly realized that the human body has limits. Not surprisingly, when they arrive at the night portion of the show, at a Brooklyn bodega, it looks like Zach is about to die.

Best worst date: errands in Austin

One of the biggest problems with this entire franchise is that the protagonist is expected to choose a partner while essentially dating in a fantasy world: helicopter rides and hot tubs in the woods and horse-drawn carriages and museum sleepovers. Even hometown dates—the one time we should get a glimpse of what normal life can be like—feel extraordinary. That's what made Kaity and Zach's meeting in their hometown of Austin so unusual. Kaity had no excuse to show Zach around; Anyway, Zach should have been the tour guide, as Kaity tells us he lived in Austin just a few weeks before he left to film.

So her house is basically empty and she needs Zach's help getting settled in. What follows is the realest shit I've seen in 27 seasons ofthe single: After shopping at a bougie market, Kaity hires Zach to deliver a mattress and build furniture - FROM IKEA - and somehow they still want to kiss when they're done.

No one in the history of relationships has smiled at their partner while trying to assemble an IKEA bookcase. I was sure even before this episode that Zach would end up casting Kaity. Now I'm sure.

Best Interviewer: Bobby, Ariel's brother.

The older brothers have really done the emotional heavy lifting this week, and no one has done the task better than Ariel's brother Bobby, who has made it abundantly clear that he thinks both Zach and the entire show are full of shit. "Calling myself a skeptic and saying this is unorthodox is an understatement," says Bobby once he and Zach sit down for a face-to-face conversation.

He doesn't give up. Bobby asks Zach if he knows Ariel's middle name or her birthday. (Not Zach.) He reminds Zach that Ariel must choose him and asks why he should do that. (Zach is at a loss... he stutters an answer about an open heart before finally saying "I'm a good cook", which I'm pretty sure is a lie.) Finally, Bobby asks Zach how he's doing. will reconcile the fact that he and Ariel come from very different backgrounds. Her parents escaped religious persecution in the Soviet Union, and Judaism is a central part of Ariel's life. Zach, on the other hand, said very little about his own faith, not even counting among his favorite words that first night when he told the women he loved "family, football and frozen pizza". (Look: I knew the "good cook" was a lie). Ominous music plays as Zach tries to come up with a satisfying answer, though all he manages to say is, "The families will make sure it works. That's how I see it."

Families of future contestants on this show can learn a lot from Bobby's presentation: he was blunt and straightforward and didn't let Zach slip away. Ask the protagonist if he knows any of his girlfriends.birthdayit's so cutting and effective in its simplicity. Bobby didn't dissuade Zach, but we'll have to see if the issues raised by Bobby end up becoming an issue in his relationship with Ariel.

Best Editing: Charity

Before Charity and Zach meet their family in Columbus, Georgia, we know it's going to be an exciting day. Charity's family, her parents, two brothers and a sister, sit around a long table with a few friends and talk about Charity's past heartbreak. They reminisce about how devastated she was after their recent breakup and how difficult it was for everyone to see her heartbroken, and they comment on how difficult it would be to see her go through that experience again. (You may recall that last week Mage Slash Mentalist was probably backed by abachelorproducer, led Charity to reveal that her biggest fear in a relationship is infidelity).

So it should come as no surprise to anyone that Charity basically breaks down in tears throughout the entire episode. "I'm really happy," she tells her friends. "I hope you can see this." (It's unclear if they can see this.)

The family portion of the encounter reaches its emotional climax when Charity has a personal encounter with her brother Nehemiah, who breaks down in tears when he tells her he wasn't sure if she would be okay after their recent breakup. He tries to reassure his brother by explaining that Zach is "emotionally intelligent" and "confident". (It's unclear if he's one of those things.)

Later, after an intimate slow dance at a country bar, Charity tells Zach that "it's safe to say I'm falling in love". He responds with a quick kiss and hug and the five words every girl wants to hear: "Wild, I know it's crazy."

We can all see where this is going, right? Yep, Zach sends charity home at the rose ceremony. As he takes her outside, he tells her that he has been nauseous all day and that he made his decision just before the roses were distributed and that he "can be fooled". He tells her that he is "grateful to meet you" and then punches her in the stomach: "You deserve all the love and I couldn't give it to you".

Charity repeats these words in the backseat of the limousine as she is driven away. "I don't know what that means," he says, wiping the tears from his eyes.

But I do: you're going to be the bachelorette.